How (not) to write one's first conference paper

Step 1. Write and submit abstract in blithe abandon because it is bound to be rejected by the Very Important Academics on the conference committee and so one will never have to face the terror of writing and presenting the paper resultant upon said abstract.

Step 2. Forget all about conference.

Step 3. Abstract is, to one's complete and utter surprise, accepted.

Step 4. Rejoice.

Step 5. Delight gives way to terror upon the dawning realisation that now one does have to write and present a paper in front of Very Important Academics.

Step 6. Attempt to comfort one's self with the thought that the conference is next year and so one doesn't need to start work on paper for several months yet.

Step 7. (Attempt to) forget all about conference, but with occasional guilty flashes of "what about that paper?" penetrating one's conscience.

Step 8. Attempt to comfort one's self by telling self (and others) that one is "thinking about one's paper," and as everybody knows thinking about things is half the legwork.

Step 9. One's family gently starts to enquire about status of (as yet non-existent) conference paper.

Step 10. Attempt to assure one's family, and self, that there is plenty of time yet and one shouldn't have to worry about writing a paper over Christmas.

Step 11. Realise that time is ticking inexorably onwards towards the Fateful Day.

Step 12. Panic.

Step 13. Write paper in two days flat and feel very smug.

Step 14. Realise paper is utter rubbish and feel very depressed.

Step 15. Attempt re-write of paper.

Step 16. Realise that what one wants to say does not at all match up with what one submitted in the abstract.

Step 17. Feel very depressed.

Step 18. Realise that every other presenter will be in the same position and feel vaguely cheered.

Step 19. Start work on slides.

Step 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25. Work on slides.

Step 26. With trepidation and trembling, show draft of paper and slides to one's family.

Step 27. Gulp.

Step 28. Attend to feedback of family; rework paper and slides.

Step 29. Show latest draft to family.

Step 30. Attend to feedback; rework paper and slides, etc.

Step 31 - [insert as many as appropriate]. Repeat.

Step @£! Practise delivering talk orally, and realise that one sounds like a BBC presenter from the 1950s speeded up.

Step *@~!! Sternly tell one's self that one must SLOW DOWN and BREATHE.

Step ^%:+!!! Hyperventilate.

Step ~$¨6´/ !!!! Have hysterics.

Step &\|{=!!!!! Export Keynote slides to Powerpoint and play them through a PC. Realise font has changed, text has moved, and images have terrible resolution. Sternly remind one's self that one has been well brought up and is not allowed to cuss and swear.

Step ⚔⚚♾!!!!!! Attempt to learn paper by heart so one can present without recourse to one's notes in stylish, elegant and professional manner.

Step ☢⑀␢⚠︎␦!!!!!!! Nightmarish dreams about presenting paper increase exponentially in intensity.

Step β℀Ω✦⚛!!!!!!!! Go in search of the Pimm's.

Step 😱 Pray.